Judge follows custom, says McCulloug
As if the shock and awe tactics of the Iraqi invasion were not enough, America is poised to launch another devastating attack on Iraqs.
Weapons of Mass Conversion
As if the shock and awe tactics of the Iraqi invasion were not enough, America is poised to launch another devastating attack on Iraqs.
Enron Man Spam Scam
The Enron scandal has taken another bizarre twist with far reaching political and financial implications.
Results From Spam
John Thomas says he never took any notice when the emails first started
Full immersion baptism is shaping up as the next sex scandal to hit
Christian churches across the globe as numerous born-again Christians
launch a class action.
Policy Disturbing UN
A United Nations' committee has delivered a scathing attack on Australia's
treatment of Opposition party members.
The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission swooped on Federal
Government offices across the country.
Steals Crap From Web
Who is this middle aged grandmother spending her twilight years dabbling
in web design and left wing theatre.
Lose Morale Launch Manhunt
Police Minister Michael Costa today issued a police identikit photo
of the man believed to be responsible for the rising crime wave gripping
Clone Highjacks Conference
Remarks attributed to American President George Bush, regarding Human
cloning legislation on 10 April 2002, are now believed to be those of
a defective Presidential clone
Wins First Oscar
It really was bad timing for Slobodan Milosevic and Saddam Hussein as
Hollywood decided to stop overlooking Blacks at this year's Academy
As part of John Howard's unconditional support for the United States
in its battle against terrorism, detainees in the Woomera detention
centre will be moved.
Policy Driven by Internet
Internet Polling is driving the Australian governments hard-line
policy on illegal immigrants and asylum seekers.
In a dramatic move to improve their ratings since September 11 CNN
has turned to the 80s classic Dynasty.
Keroserene But Not Hurt
Bronwyn Bishop, the woman who once had visions of being Australia's
first female prime minister denied she was furious at being denied a
place in John Howard's ministry.
to Marginal Electorates
In a surprise move Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, announced
yesterday that the government is sending troops to remote marginal electorates
to help win the war against boat people and queue jumpers.
Arsonists destroyed a hall used by the New South Wales Afghan Hound
Club yesterday. Police confirmed it was the second attack on an Afghan
Hound club in a week.
As America prepares to defend everything decent, pure and white by marching
on the holy lands in a global crusade against terrorism, the FBI has
added a new name to its most wanted list.
Saves Ansett New Zealand
Following the collapse of Ansett the Australian government has put together
a rescue package not only for the troubled airline, but also for New
Tampa with Australia
International support for the Australian Government response to the
asylum seekers stranded aboard MS Tampa off Christmas Island has begun
to flow in.
Bother The Election
Channel 9 has pulled the rug out from under the ABC, and in a dramatic
challenge to Channel 10, is going ahead with plans for Bog Bother the
Line to God Closed Down
The Vatican was in turmoil last night after the Pope's official Hot
Line to God was closed down. Vatican officials hurried to pour oil on
troubled waters by initially denying the rumours and then insisting
it was just a technical hitch.
on Chanel 10
Keen to capitalise on the runaway success of Big Brother, and following
the huge success of Boot Camp and Survivor in all its flavours, Channel
10 revealed details of their next big show guaranteed to be a ratings
Acts on Impulse
In a move that has been welcomed by Australian Competition and Consumer
Commission chairman, Professor Allan Fels, the State Rail Authority
of New South Wales has started talks with discount carrier Impulse Airlines
on a possible deal.
Bans Foreign Visitors
Following CNN reports that Australia has foot-in-mouth disease, Prime
Minister John Howard has moved into damage control and was forced to
defend his decision to ban all UK and EU politicians from entering Australia
on Alert at City Casinos
The Federal Government has reportedly launched an inquiry into the risks
of long-term gambling and may force casinos and hotels with gambling
machines to take more action to tackle what is being termed poverty-class
Palace settles old score
In yet another bizarre twist in the American election fiasco, Buckingham
Palace has begun moves that will see America return to the Commonwealth.
Monitors American Democracy
President Robert Mugabe has stepped into the American political crisis
demanding that the United Nations send in a peace-keeping force to oversee
In an attempt to wipe the egg off their faces America's television networks
have offered the presidential candidates a compromise deal.
Carnival is Over --- Almost
As the closing ceremony for the XXVII Olympic Games draws near, Sydney
is being warned by commentators to prepare for a severe case of Post
Olympic Depression Syndrome (PODS).
Athlete Sprints Off
In unconfirmed reports that have just reached us, a top athlete has
apparently fled Sydney after being threatened in her hotel room.
Nation Infighting Mode
Pauline Hanson is claiming victory in her attempt to dump her former
advisor David Oldfield
Woman Found after 12 Years
In a bizarre incident, a woman missing for 12 years has been found alive
in the NSW Upper House.
Over! By God!
The match-fixing scandal that has badly damaged the reputation of cricket,
has thrown together some unlikely bed partners as concerned players
try to restore public interest in the game.
George Speight, the man behind yet another coup in Fiji has predicted
the Fiji crisis will be over in two days.
say no --- to biscuits!
The Northern Territory has moved to ward of criticism of its mandatory
sentencing laws by launching a multi-million dollar "Say No to Biscuits"
Starts to Needle
The Government is once again facing GST chaos and a consumer backlash
as more details of the GST emerge. Drug dealers will be forced to put
up their prices by more then 10 per cent as they try to offset the costs
of complying with the new tax system.
Studios --- The Ride of your Life
Fox Studios, flushed with pride at the success of their Backlot theme
park, are planning new attractions to dwarf the success of the Titanic
to the Rescue
Kerry Jones, Australia's very own princess, has not been resting on
her tiara since defeating the political elites in the recent republic
The show goes on!
In a move that has caught the opposition parties off guard, the NSW
Government has, in a secret deal, sold the Independent Commission Against
Corruption (ICAC) to Channel Ten.
Students found in School
Australian Education has been thrown into turmoil with new allegations
that literate students have been found in the school system.
very Australian Coup
The Australian republic debate has taken a strange twist. In news just
to hand, it appears Interfet commander, Major-General Cosgrove, has
seized power in a military coup.
Fraud --- A Growing Crime
It's official. A new study by the Australian Institute of Criminology
has shown what all Australians have already worked out --- political
fraud is a lucrative industry, ahead of illegal guns and drug dealing.
The American consumer war machine has sprung into action to repair the
damage in East Timor. In a major offensive to end the military inspired
anarchy in Dili, McDonald’s is planning to send 5000 peacekeeping gherkins
to East Timor.
the Aides of March
In a controversial move, that has the blessing of the NSW Government,
the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence are to establish Australia's first
legal marching room in Darlinghurst.
a GST --- More or Lees
John Howard has been threatening and promising it for so long it has
finally happened. Australian voters are facing the political reality
of a double disillusion.
Meets its Portaloo
NATO, the world's biggest arms cartel, is about to muscle in on the
plans Lotto Levy
John Howard is planning to scrap the proposed GST and introduce a new
Lotto Levy to revolutionise the Australian Tax system.
Chika have the ticker?
As the NSW election campaign goes into the final week, the Liberals
have eventually unleashed their secret weapon. NSW Opposition Leader,
Kerry Chikarovski, has come out fighting.
Here at Rocket we have just learned the real reason for the recent leadership
coup in the NSW Liberal Party.
Juan Samaranch is probably one man who never thought Sydney's bid for
the 2000 Olympics bid was squeaky clean.
Conversationists demand more dialogue!
The Australian Government has been severely embarrassed with the publication
of a scientific report indicating our conversation levels are amongst
the lowest in the world.
America was brought to a standstill this morning by the news of Monica
Lewinsky's tragic and untimely death.
reform hits the GST spot!
Dr Ruth Westheimer, the world's most famous sex therapist better known
simply as, Dr Ruth, is in Sydney. Dr Ruth, who has been invited to Sydney
by a nervous Government backbench concerned by the Prime Minister's
tax plan, and subsequent behaviour, is certainly not shy when it comes
to speaking her mind.
wonderful, horrible laugh of Pauline Hanson.
Pauline Hanson's One-Notion Nation has committed itself to slashing
funding to the arts and abolishing Queensland's contribution to the
National Firearms Control Scheme and the Anti-Discrimination Commission
to help fund their election promises. Yet, they are spending a small
fortune on changing the way mainstream Australia views Pauline.
-- beautiful one day fundamentalist the next!
In a move that is sure to thwart any attempt by Pauline Hanson's One
Nation to hold the balance of power in Queensland, the Queensland Government
is set to introduce the world's most liberal animal rights legislation.
rocks the docks!
In late-breaking news that has come to our attention here at Rocket,
it is becoming more apparent that the conspiracy on the Australian waterfront
goes a lot further than was at first believed. It appears that the operation
involves a web of intrigue that stretches around the globe.
a rock and a hard place
Proving yet again that he is indeed the right man for the job, John
Herron has released a plan that shows he is not only on top of his post
as Minister for Aboriginal Affairs, but also has a firm grasp of the
real issues surrounding his sensitive portfolio.
if you do, Saddamned if you don't
Not content with suppling some Australian military personnel to bolster
America's chances in yet another attempt to do something about Saddam
Hussein, the Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, is keen to see
his popularity ratings soar to new levels, and is embarking on a strategy
emulating the American President's sexual prowess.
The recent furore regarding the drug habits of Chinese swimmers has
thrown some light on a topic most Australian politicians would rather
not talk about, namely that performance-enhancing drugs are rife in
the Australian political system.
force of television
In a secret deal recently agreed to between television executives and
the NSW Government and brokered by Jana Wendt, the best dressed auto-cue
reader Australia has ever known, New South Wales Police Stations will
be taken over by Channel 9.
Dr Philip Nitschke, Australia's very own controversial death doctor
is once again proving himself to be controversial.
open letter to Franca Arena
As a mother of children and of the Nation, I share your pain and struggle
as you try to help the little ones of Australia who cannot speak for
response to Wik off the planet
The Australian Prime Minister John Howard today admitted that the Australian
Government is secretly ploughing billions of dollars into the Mars Pathfinder
mission -- with the intention of solving the Wik crisis by transporting
Aborigines to Mars.
wik to bloody woo!
In a surprise move, that is sure to thwart Kerry Packer's attempt to
own Fairfax by Christmas, a consortium of Aboriginal interest groups
is planning to launch a surprise bid on Fairfax.
In yet another exclusive scoop Rocket can now reveal that the author
of Pauline Hanson The Truth is none other than Marlo Morgan, an American
author who has been denounced as a fraud and a thief after publishing
a best-selling new-age book Mutant Message Down Under.
Hanson launches her One Notion Party
Resplendent in a red dress slit up the side from here to eternity, and
in a blaze of publicity that is still resounding through RSL Clubs around
Australia, Pauline Hanson, the woman who launched a thousand chips,
dashed through a crowd of jeering protesters to launch her new political
party at the Ipswich Civic Centre and so begin a new era in Australian
Mercenaries to join Queensland Police Force
In an extraordinary deal thrashed out between the Federal Government
and PNG's Foreign Minister the Sandline Mercenaries are to be used in
Gay and Lesbian Committee to run SOCOG
In a bold move to combat the public perception that SOCOG is fast becoming
nothing more than a faction of the extreme right-wing of the NSW Labor
Party, Premier Bob Carr has announced that the Sydney Gay and Lesbian
Mardi Gras Committee, is to take over the running of the Sydney 2000
Prime Minister's 1997 Easter Message
As you all may know, Easter is the traditional time of the year when
all devout and law-abiding Australians gather to confirm, once again,
that all is right in the country.
launches "Work-For-The-Rort" scheme
Prime Minister John Howard has vowed to introduce a "Work-for-the-Rort"
scheme to ensure that every politician actually does the job they were
elected to do.
I knew something was wrong when I opened up the Wentworth Courier ---
a little Sydney, suburban weekly --- to see Pete's Party Products in
Woolloongabba, Queensland, advertising Mardi Gras banners and tinsel
Bugger the medals --- if you really want Olympic gold run for the SOCOG
salaries. A bunch of high powered business executives appear set to
reap huge rewards by competing in the Sydney Olympic 2000 rat race.
about the House
Regardless of their political persuasions, the women in Australian politics
have shown themselves to be amazingly conservative, as they try to prove
they have the balls for the job.
down the hatches!
SOCOG, the Sydney Organising Committee of the rich and famous, who are
running the Sydney Olympic Games, are putting traffic officers to shame
in their quest for money to fund this little sporty shindig --- and
pay their exorbitant salaries.
What should have been a routine vote winning exercise for Pauline Hanson
and her Pauline Hanson Movement Party turned into a bit of a public
Just when you thought all the interest in Pauline Hanson was dying down,
she discovers a way of grabbing headline attention without saying a
single racist word.
cry for me Australasia
Well, it was bound to happen. After whipping up a storm of controversy,
and generating a wave of popular support from middle-class Australians
with her "I have a bream" speech, the Evita of Australasian
politics, Pauline Hanson is about to be immortalised in a musical.
Forget about the senate. This girl has her eyes on the top job, and
like Bronwyn Bishop before her, she no doubt firmly believes it to be
in her grasp.
raps Pauline over the knuckles
The rumour mill here at Rocket has been buzzing lately. From the reports
we have been receiving it would appear that the PM has finally decided
to pull Pauline Hanson into line.
support for Pauline reached rock bottom?
The strangest bits of mail pass through Rocket. This latest bit of fluff
dumped in our inbox seems to suggest that support for Pauline Hanson
is indeed beginning to fall.
Hanson to carry Michael Jackson's love child
Pauline Hanson, Australia's most prominent fish batterer, has declared
herself to be a keen follower of, and lover of Michael Jackson.
ambience of our discontent
Ambient music is turning out to be controversial. You would think listening
to the haunting mating call of hump back whales, with a backbeat of
bird song, was enough to instill calmness in the heart of any raging
them eat fish
Both major political parties appear to have done a deal that will effectively
witness the political demise of Pauline Hanson at the next general election.