The Prime Minister's Easter Message for 1997
As you all may know, Easter is the traditional time of the year when all devout and law-abiding Australians gather to confirm, once again, that all is right in the country.
So it is with great pride that we once again take the 2UE microphone firmly between our hands and address you all from the joyful, autumnal comfort of Kirribilli House.
As we speak, my wife and I are flanked by the happy faces of our beautiful children. Neither of whom, we are happy to say, is gay or has ever watched the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.
We know that you want us to share with you the secure knowledge that the High Court will soon be back where it ought to be.
In particular, we share with our dear friends in the far-flung blocks of Rural Australia their conviction that the sun must never set on their demands for power, privileged treatment and the complete and utter extinguishment of Native Title.
Some of you will know that the last year has been difficult for me. We will not parody our dear Queen and Head of the noble Pymble Anglican Church. Rather, we will say that between Easter Past and Easter Present, one or two Tiny Tims out there may have suffered. Remember that we too have suffered, and we share your suffering.
The increases in Parliamentary allowances, salary, travel expenses, vehicle allowances and all the other perks of Parliamentary Privilege which my colleagues and I have felt to be totally inadequate for even our most basic needs, mean that those of you who view yourself as suffering due to the fact that we have reneged on the majority of our electoral promises are not justified. We too have had to put our hands deep into the cookie jar. We know what it is like to have to use the bread money to fund our political largesse. You must realise that we are all in the same boat. The only difference being that some boats are sinking.
Thus the troubles of the past year are best summed up by calling it my Anus Telstrus Verdus, which roughly translated means, "the year we got our grubby little snouts into the trough of the Telstra billions, while regrettably finding it necessary to allow the Greens concessions, which we hope don't come back and bite us on the bum, before Easter yet to come", and we are once again gripping the 2UE microphone --- justly described as the microphone with the biggest call sign badge in Australia, if not the world.
In closing then, I would like to mention our New Friends, particularly those who, under our generous business migration scheme, have brought much needed flight-capital from South Africa, Papua New Guinea, Hong Kong and other once-stable outposts of our great empire.
Very warmly, we welcome them, and in spite of the necessity of presenting a vaguely non-racist, and deliberately hazy, politically correct, post-nazi facade, may you truly be able to read what my lips are really saying. Right!
God Bless Us One And All.