The Final Solution?

Dr Philip Nitschke, Australia's very own controversial death doctor is once again proving himself to be controversial.

The good Doctor, who has done so much to help the terminally ill shuffle off this mortal coil with dignity, has turned his attention to politicians. More specifically, to politicians who want respite from the constant stress and never-ending media scrutiny they are forced to endure.

"Many of these politicians have no hope", said Dr Nitschke, "they are forced to go on and on, often when they have given up all hope of a better life. The only possible relief would come from losing their seat at the next election which could be years away. Many of them are in safe seats with no hope of losing, no matter how hard they try -- or how badly they perform. More often then not they are left malingering on the backbench. Propped up by the party machine, even the simple act of passing legislation causes great distress and discomfort to them".

Dr Nitschke's new Voluntary Induced Political Suicide Kit (VIPS) offers a quick painless solution, restoring basic freedom of choice to politicians who want to make a dignified final exit.

Basically the Kit consists of a briefcase containing an Internet-ready laptop computer, a bottle of Valium tablets, a bottle of Jim Bean and Dr Nitschke's easy-to-use, patented, VIPS software program.

Once the politician has decided to end it all, they hook up the machine, pour themselves a drink and settle down to answer a series of computer-prompted questions.

At any time during the process they can choose not to proceed. After the questions have been answered, the politician is given one final chance --- "If you really want to proceed click the YES button", flashes on the screen

If they click the final yes button and swallow 3 Valium tablets, the whole process is put into motion.

A suicide note is immediately faxed to all major newspapers and TV stations ensuring front page coverage, while an automatic call is put through to the "000" emergency services so that an ambulance can be sent to the scene immediately.

An email with an attached press-kit is also sent to all relevant media sites. The press-kit includes:

  • Recent colour JPGs
  • Career highlights
  • Audio files of relevant 30-second sound clips
  • Recent video clips in various formats
  • Messages of support from World leaders

Copies of the suicide note are faxed to party leaders and sympathetic, high-profile celebrities.

After a few days, while the politician recovers in a private hospital, free from media interference, a letter of resignation is sent to the relevant party office.

After a suitable time of recuperation politicians from both sides can offer condolences and ensure the retiring politician still receives:

  • A fat superannuation package to make up for any loss of pride
  • A gold travel pass
  • A free office with secretary
  • A Government car and driver

When approached during a lull in Parliament, Opposition leader Peter Collins was enthusiastic about the idea saying all politicians should adopt the concept in principle. "Look at the recent troubles with the whole Franca Arena affair," he said, "if she had been able to use this machine we would not have had to waste the money of law-abiding tax payers on setting up special investigations. Instead, I end up stabbed in the back by those in my party who just want to squeeze as much political life out of Franca as possible. It's cruel. We treat dogs better than this. She should have been allowed the option of a more dignified exit."

Pro-Life support groups, Churches and Fred Nile, were outraged by Dr. Philip Nitschke's proposal, pointing out that many terminally ill politicians go on to live long and healthy lives.

"Just look at Franca," a spokesperson said, "to all intents and purposes she should be dead, and yet she has managed to defy the odds. Had she had access to this machine she would be gone. Today she is back, stronger than ever and may yet outlive her fellow politicians on both sides. Many other politicians have struggled through and survived. Even some of the most terminal have, through proper care and treatment, managed to go on to become Governors-General."