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Political Enhancement

The recent furore regarding the drug habits of Chinese swimmers has thrown some light on a topic most Australian politicians would rather not talk about, namely that performance-enhancing drugs are rife in the Australian political system.

Recent research appears to indicate our politicians are using human growth hormone (hGH) in a bizarre attempt to acquire human-like characteristics.

A comprehensive study by Professor Thixton, a researcher at the University of Canberra, has confirmed that hGH is readily available at gymnasiums frequented by politicians. Although these substances are illegal in Australia, it is believed politicians could be carrying the drug in their diplomatic baggage.

Police, on the other hand, are reluctant to investigate these claims, fearing that if the supply dries up these politicians would be inadequately prepared, not only to handle the resulting media pressure, but also to continue running the country.

Although most politicians are aware of the side-effects of performance-enhancing drugs, many are still prepared to take the chance as they struggle to survive in the cutthroat world of Australian politics.

Professor Thixton who spoke to 100s of Australian politicians, said they were all just average people out of their depth, and struggling to present a sensitive, intellectual, image to the electorate. "Most of them," said Professor Thixton, "could not even hold a simple conversation unless it was carefully scripted by a speech writer. It is possible that this is just one of the effects of long-term drug abuse -- it is also possible they are just mediocre anyway. We need more research. It is, however, nearly impossible to get close to these people as their political minders shield them from public scrutiny. While years of drug abuse lets them believe they are in some way superior to the rest of humanity."

Unfortunately the side effects are horrendous, and include a gross, thickening of the skin. Prolonged use could also lead to deformed facial characteristics, the most noticeable of which is an enormous head! And most long-term users end up with a large, exaggerated, opinion of their own self-worth.

This is an expensive habit, and it should not be surprising if organised crime is involved. But more disturbing is the fact that, as politicians become more dependent on the drug, they are forced into evermore outrageous attempts to grab taxpayers' money to finance their drug dependency.

When asked if the drug could also lead to an outlandish fashion sense Professor Thixton replied, "Unfortunately, there is just no excuse for bad taste."