Goodbye Yankee Rose
America was brought to a standstill this morning by the news of Monica Lewinsky's tragic and untimely death.
Nowhere was the state of despair and sorrow more apparent then amongst TV talk show hosts and television presenters. Their sense of loss was clearly visible as they struggled to come to terms with the fact.
First hand reports are sketchy, but it now appears she died in an automobile accident after leaving a briefing with her lawyers.
Initial reports suggest they were speeding away from pursuing reporters who besieged them as they left the courthouse, where Monica had met with her legal team and a sub-justice committee panel.
Eyewitnesses said there were at least 14 photographers - some on motor bikes, others in big black Cadillacs, who pursued the car as the chauffeur sped off.
Police on the scene had to fight their way through a mob of reporters, amateur photographers and bystanders with video cameras who crowded around the wreckage.
It appears the driver of the black mercedes was killed instantly. Monica died of severe injuries in hospital, while her lawyer, the only passenger to be wearing a seatbelt, survived. He has horrendous dental injures and will have to undergo months of rehabilitation and reconstruction work to repair his teeth.
All America is shocked. Monica has had a profound effect on the Nation which has followed her development and transformation from a gawky young White House intern to a dazzling, attractive, intelligent beauty, more than capable of holding her own amongst the best legal brains in the country.
Even now, Americans are beginning to pay their respects by leaving flowers outside the White House, where she spent so much of her time. Many were weeping openly in the street and telling anyone with a microphone of their bereavement and sense of loss.
The popular view emerging is of an ordinary American woman shamefully treated by an Establishment which did not know how to cope with her simple ability to upstage the strong and powerful.
Others are openly criticising the media for the fanatical way they hounded her every move. Some are suggesting that more has been written and reported about Monica than was ever written about America's involvement in every theatre of war since World War II.
Although initial reports of Monica's death have been sketchy, it has not stopped television chat show hosts from rushing in to fill the gaps in their programs with related news.
There have been suggestions of a State funeral in the world famous Crystal Cathedral led by TV Evangelist Pat Robertson.
Reliable reports indicate that Elton John has been hired to do a special version of his hit single Candle in the Wind, which he will perform live, at the televised funeral, with the Morman Tabernacle Choir. Proceeds from any royalties will go to the American Dental Association, and Aids-Watch, a new charity set up recently by Princess Monica when it was revealed that, although indirect, she is descended from an Eastern European, Hungaro-Russian branch of the Romanov royal family.
The White House is also being criticised for failing to fly the flag at half-mast, while every possible conspiracy theory is being examined in great detail by the CIA, FBI and other agencies.
The FBI are reportedly looking for the driver of a small, white car which they believe sideswiped the Mercedes, as it was going around a grassy knoll, before zig zagging across the road to reappear on the opposite side of the road. It then swerved to avoid a head-on collision, bounced off a parking meter, was thrown off course by a pot-hole, hitting the opposite rear end of the Mercedes, causing it to veer out of control when the driver spun around to see what was happening, before he ploughed into a concrete pillar while fighting to regain control of the speeding vehicle.
America is looking for answers. Did the FBI or CIA murder Monica because she was really pregnant? Had Bill Clinton proposed to her and were they about to be wed in secret? Was she concious in hospital and who was her final message delivered to?
Was she perhaps killed because she was about to announce her intention to speak out against landmines? Was she perhaps an Arab spy who had to be killed because she had blown her cover?
In further groundbreaking news we have just learned that Monica's blue cocktail dress has been purchased by the Australian Daily Telegraph. Apparently, Piers Ackerman, had been negotiating a deal on behalf of the paper for some months. Readers of the Daily Telegraph can look forward to winning the dress in an upcoming promotion.
This is Rocket, reporting live from Paris, Texas. Goodnight Monica Lewinsky, wherever you are.