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Bribery 2000!

Juan Samaranch is probably one man who never thought Sydney's bid for the 2000 Olympics bid was squeaky clean.

The truth is, Australia with its fine criminal pedigree has, until now, been extremely successful in hiding the fact that the 2000 Games were, in actual fact, bought. But, unfortunately it doesn't stop there.

The AOC, so skilful in arranging that extraordinary deal with the NSW Government, whereby they gave up running the Sydney Olympics but retained control of SOCOG, have in fact been working for a long time to ensure that Sydney was awarded the 2000 Olympics.

This has nothing to do with diamonds in hotel rooms, or prostitutes or even a few monetary favours thrown to African members of the International Olympic Committee.

The AOC, has in fact been quietly involved in the laundering of all IOC bribe money ever since it was set up. This should come as no surprise to those who are aware that Sydney is fast gaining a reputation as the money laundering capital of the world.

An AOC spokesperson, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "It became quite obvious, soon after the AOC was established, that the bidding process was far more lucrative. We wanted to be a part of it, and in the great Aussie tradition we saw how we could make a healthy profit by setting ourselves up as a cartel through which all IOC bribes could be channelled. The IOC may not like it now that it is in the open, but of course our agreement with them is quite hole-proof, and we are all guaranteed immunity from any prosecution that may arise."

"There is also no way Sydney will lose the 2000 Games. Not only are our contracts iron-clad, but our records stretch back a long way. Not that we wish to threaten anyone, but I would suggest that any country which voices its moral outrage will, I am sure, see things differently, when its involvement and contribution to the IOC becomes public."

"And of course all this talk about sponsors pulling out because of the scandal is all quite irrelevant. Once the games are awarded to more Third World countries, companies such as Coca Cola will yet again be falling over themselves to establish market share under the pretext of fostering the great Olympic spirit."

"Although of course we still intend to highlight the sponsorship issue for some time, as we view it as a great opportunity to squeeze even more money out of Australian taxpayers."

It appears that IBM only became aware of the extent of the scandal and corruption in the IOC, through their official involvement during the Atlanta Games, when the system started to fail due to the excessive amount of fraudulent transactions that became apparent when the network went live.

In a further development, Australian Foreign Affairs Minister, Alexander Downer, is attempting negotiate a bold bid to solve the crisis in Kosovo.

Part of the plan, details of which were leaked to Rocket, involves Yugoslav's President. Slobodan Milosevic, taking over as Emperor of the IOC, in exchange for peace in Kosovo.

Milosevic has the authoritarian style necessary for the running of the tight knit, Olympic family. He has shown himself to be an excellent negotiator, and has the necessary connections to keep the IOC dream alive. He also has excellent media manipulation skills.

As a spokesperson for Mr Downer said. "Installing Milosevic as head of the IOC, will ensure the price of peace is evenly borne by the rest of the world, including all the Third World countries that will be bidding to host the Olympics well into the next millenium."

"It is obvious that a change of leadership in the IOC will boost confidence in the Sydney 2000 games, as well as help fundraising efforts."