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NATO meets its portaloo

NATO meets its Portaloo

NATO, the world's biggest arms cartel, is about to muscle in on the insurance business.

Blindly blundering along from one botched bombing raid to the next NATO is desperately short of money to finance its latest attempt at global control being acted out in Kosovo.

The NATO attempt to remove President Milosevic, a man who refused to do business with them, is coming unstuck. It is also proving more costly than they initially bargained for.

Stopping short of operating a cake stall to raise money for its fuel bill, NATO is about to cash in on its smart bomb technology to finance what is left of the war effort.

"We believe we have ironed out all the problems," NATO spin doctor, Jamie Shea, said. "Initially we had a few minor problems. Bombing the Chinese Embassy was a tragic mistake, but we have pinpointed the error."

"Most of our bombs, the overwhelming majority, are right on target. Armed conflicts always bring their share of mishap. We aim to eliminate that."

"We are now confident we can successfully limit collateral damage. In a nutshell we are in a position to offer everyone an affordable option to protect their home from NATO attack, without the need to build an expensive bomb shelter. Besides, hiding in a cellar provides no protection from the uranium-depleted missiles we drop."

NATO is now offering "Collateral Damage Insurance" policies, which will be available to anyone for a yearly premium. Individuals can now join with impoverished countries in supporting NATO's $55 billion arms buildup.

The arms industries in Britain and the US are delighted with the scheme, which they have been lobbying for.

In a nutshell, the scheme allows anyone, willing to pay a few thousand dollars, to protect their home from accidental NATO bombing.

"This scheme has many possibilities," said a NATO spokesperson, local government would be able to protect heritage buildings in their area."

"Our insurance assessors will look at each building carefully. Of course, individual policies would vary, depending on the location of the building. Those in high risk areas would attract a higher premium. But we believe that this system would ensure everyone would be contributing their fair share to the high cost of maintaining world peace. It is unfair to extract all of this money from Third World Countries. The World Bank and the International Monetary Fund can only do so much."

NATO officials denied this scheme had anything to do with a resurgence in a movement agitating for the cancellation of Third World debt.

"It is a legitimate way for us to raise money, and allow people of the world to contribute regardless of their government policy," said a spokesperson.

"We are not some fly-by-night company set up to scam money. We are offering individuals the freedom of choice. No longer will citizens be hostage to the tyranny of government decisions. We are in the process of updating all our maps. All buildings covered by our Collateral Damage Insurance policy, will be clearly marked. They will be designated non-targetable."

Embassies in war-torn areas are said to be looking closely at the proposal.

The scheme has the backing of Western nations, keen to protect local offices of their arms manufacturers.

This scheme will provide relief to the poor Third World countries who, up to now, have funded NATO's expansion to the tune of billions of dollars. Membership to the exclusive NATO club is not cheap.

"This war has been a godsend to us," said a battle scarred NATO spokesperson, who requested anonymity."Not only is it allowing us to ensure all our systems are Y2K compliant, It is also a chance to give Bill Clinton and Tony Blair some tactical combat experience. If those baby-faced pacifists knew what they were doing, this war would have been over long ago!"