Operation Quarter Pounder

The American consumer war machine has sprung into action to repair the damage in East Timor. In a major offensive to end the military inspired anarchy in Dili, McDonald’s is planning to send 5000 peacekeeping gherkins to East Timor.

The gherkins are part of a large multinational peacekeeping unit. McDonald’s originally planned to send in only Australian gherkins, but the Indonesians wouldn’t swallow it. After discussions between General Ronald McDonald and the Indonesian regime, it was agreed to use a variety of gherkins. The Indonesians argued they did not have the stomach for Australian gherkins and demanded more Asian variety be included.

Indonesian military leaders said they feared civil unrest, if too many Australian gherkins were seen on the streets of Dili.

The Australian Government is taking a moral stand on the issue, demanding that more Australian gherkins be used. McDonald’s maintain the Australian gherkin is just not up to it. "We have certain quality standards that we have to uphold. Our customers expect it of us. Australia just does not have enough high quality gherkins," said a McDonald's spokesperson.

The Opposition had a field day attacking the Government during question time, ridiculing their attempts at damage control and demanding the Ministers responsible for the pickle step down.

McDonald’s see this peacekeeping mission as a golden opportunity to repair the damage of the McLibel case. With the right level of take-away compassion and fast food humanitarianism, McDonald's hope to fill the void left by the United Nations, while bringing peace, prosperity and the Golden Arches to those who least need it.

McDonald’s, who are geared up to move thousands of burgers an hour, had no problem organising a food drop for Dili, and charted their own planes to fly the gherkins into East Timor.

McDonald’s are now well poised to take over from the United Nations and position the Golden Arches as the symbol of peace for the new millennium.

"We want to do something for the world community – to let them know that we are a caring, kind-hearted, multinational company. All we ask is that they give ‘franchise’ a chance," said a McDonald’s spokesperson.

McDonald’s deny trying to build up Australian goodwill, prior to their next major battle with South Sydney Council, over a controversial Moore Park fast-food McDonald’s complex .

Michael Jackson, keen to revive his career, will feature heavily in the McDonald’s campaign. He will sing a reworked version of the Bob Geldof classic "Do they know its Christmas", which he never got to sing the first time around.

It’s Franchise time
There’s no need to be afraid
At Franchise time
We cook up fries and its all man made
And with our bland beef pattie
We sell a cheap plastic toy
Throw our arches around the world
At Franchise time

While the rest of the world may feel that East Timor is unimportant, the McDonald’s philosphy has always been ‘real estate is real estate’, The deteriorating humanitarian situation is an ideal opportunity to get their buns into new markets

Operation Quarter Pounder, will be financed with the usual marketing blitzkrieg. Visitors to McDonald’s will be able to purchase the complete range of East Timor plastic toys with their meal.

McDonald’s deny they were inspired by the success enjoyed by Chiquita Bananas. A spokesperson saying only that, "we believe in using the power of Ronald McDonald for good".

McDonald’s are not worried about operating in a war zone and are planning a huge tent, walk-through mega complex, in Dili for their McHappy Meals

After years of experience in Sydney’s Oxford Street outlet, McDonald’s staff are well trained for the mission. Compared to an out of control drug turf war, the streets of Dilli should seem like a picnic.

Contrary to popular belief McDonald’s did not close their Oxford Street outlet due to declining sales – rather it was because of inner city violence in Sydney.

McDonald’s push for world peace comes as new research, recently highlighted on the ABC’s Lateline program, reveals that no two countries with a McDonald’s franchise have been to war with each other.

What the research actually revealed was that anyone who has experienced a McDonald’s knows it is not worth dying in a ditch for, but the McDonald’s PR team intervened.

A follow up Lateline program examines the theory that countries with Disney theme parks end up bombing Third World countries.