Coup Robbery 2000

George Speight, the man behind yet another coup in Fiji has predicted the Fiji crisis will be over in two days.

"Things are happening behind the scenes," Speight said. "We have had some very fruitful discussions, and I believe we are very close, in my heart of hearts, to a resolution - if not in the next 24 hours, then 48 hours. That's when bombshell announcements will take place. The release of all the hostages will follow."

Although George Speight gave no indications what these announcements will be, it is believed he will announce his surrender and his intention to give up a lucrative career in Fijian politics.

Details are sketchy, but it appears when recent attempts by the Great Council of Chiefs to broker a deal failed, they decided to call for outside help.

The United Nations and NATO where too busy. However, the National Rifle Association of America decided to step in and broker a deal.

The NRA were apparently looking for an opportunity to show just how powerful a few American gun owners can be.

"The NRA is the premier firearms organisation in the world. We have nearly three million members who champion Second Amendment rights and support the NRA. We lobby, we vote and we get what we want," a spokesperson said.

"When we saw footage of Speight and his bodyguards, on Good Morning America, marching out of their parliamentary compound, with nothing more than a few handguns, to confront government soldiers we knew we had found our man. We want to take the NRA to the next level. We believe the time has come to move on. We intend to be the NATO of small weapons and become a worldwide organisation, promoting responsible gun ownership."

It is rumoured the Charlton Heston, President of the NRA, brokered the deal with Speight in a lengthy telephone hookup.

Heston was unavailable for comment. But a spokesperson confirmed that the NRA was impressed with the responsible way Speight and his bodyguards acted when they confronted government soldiers.

"This shows how responsible people can defend and protect themselves by having access to and being allowed to carry guns. It is clear that, even when provoked by armed soldiers, a handgun, used responsibly, can be a formidable weapon."

"We see this as an ideal opportunity to arm all Fijians. Not only indigenous Fijians, but Indo-Fijians as well. After all, they too have a right to defend themselves and their property from rampaging thugs."

"In fact, we believe the time has come to arm all Third World citizens. One only has to look at the senseless horror of all the fighting in these impoverished countries to realise we can do more. It is not enough to promote democracy. We need to ensure more than the basic right to freedom and a vote. We need to ensure the basic right to carry a gun."

Speight is rumoured to be delighted with the American offer to lead the international arm of the NRA.

"After all, it is better then walking around, waiting for yet another coup to get rid of you. I have also seen all the Hollywood Westerns," Speight added. "I think I will be quite at home in a country that believes the only good Indian is a dead Indian."

Speight is also rumored to have signed a lucrative e-book deal with Random House. How to Win Feuds and Influence Parliament, by George Speight, will be available on the Internet soon.

While in Australia, SBS are about to screen "Fiji's Funniest Coup Videos"

Unfortunately, while the fall of the Berlin Wall saw the end of the Cold War, and a chunk of communism crumble too, the fall of Afrikaner apartheid in South Africa has only served to illustrate racism is alive and well, burning and looting the world over.