Parliament Bans Foreign Visitors

Following CNN reports that Australia has foot-in-mouth disease, Prime Minister John Howard has moved into damage control and was forced to defend his decision to ban all UK and EU politicians from entering Australia.

Meg Lees, the Minister responsible for GST, supported the Prime Minister saying the whole Parliament stood by the Prime Minister's decision to prohibit all foreign politicians, their staff or representatives from entering Australia.

"The risk of foot-in-mouth disease is so strong we cannot afford to take any chances in an election year," Senator Less said. "Support for the Australian Democrats has been whittled away and there is a serious chance we will be replaced by One Nation. We must not allow any of our politicians succumb to this stupid disease."

She also claimed the report by CNN that foot-in-mouth disease was rife amongst Australian politicians was totally false and demanded an apology.

A spokesperson for Meg Lees branded the CNN report a lie. "We understand the Government is talking to CNN in an attempt to rectify the report. All parties are gearing up for a Federal election later this year and we cannot afford any more political gaffes. We believe this to be noting less than political sabotage, possibly by one of the lesser political parties," he said.

The spokesperson refused to comment when asked if he thought foreign governments where trying to influence the outcome of the next Australian Federal election.

It is clear the Howard Government is fearful of being slaughtered in the election and can not afford to put a foot wrong. Backbenchers are nervous and the Government is trying to quarantine them from all other politicians to stop the spread of the disease.

So many government members have already been wiped out in State elections that the Federal government believes the situation is now under control. "We have put our foot in it with the GST and the BAS and petrol prices. We cannot afford to stampede the electorate now," a government spokesperson said. "We believe local state elections have eliminated all cases of foot-in-mouth from politicians around the country but we cannot be complacent. Strict controls have to be put into place to protect the Australian public."

The spokesperson refused to confirm whether or not the government believed all foreign politicians were absolute idiots, saying only, "we cannot risk Australian politicians coming into contact with them at this delicate time."

Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid blamed One Nation for the current political crisis that has prevented him from making an historic visit Australia next month. Although he appeared to contradict himself as he mumbled through another interview.

"Yes some of our politicians have made a number of errors, but to try and suggest we will infect Australian politicians is ridiculous," he said.

"I would like to achieve only one thing, that is the understanding between us and the Australians that stupidity is not only limited to one or other government. The good neighbourhood policy of Indonesia will be realised in spite of politicians," Wahid told journalists. "We will take our case to the UN if we have to. Foot-in-mouth is a terrible disease, that is why we have been burning Australian flags."

Wahid went on to express concern about Pauline Hanson's rise in popularity after the controversial One Nation leader slammed the Federal government for providing aid to Indonesia. "She is like the proverbial bull in a china shop," he said. "We are not to concerned about the Australian ban as we would prefer not to come into contact with that woman."