The Yankee Crusade
As America prepares to defend everything decent, pure and white by marching on the holy lands in a global crusade against terrorism, the FBI has added a new name to its most wanted list.
While not quite at the top of the list, investigators are quietly searching for Abu Ja'far Muhammad, and are asking anyone with information to come forward.
It is believed that Abu Ja'far Muhammad had quite a following in the Middle East, where he possibly operated under the name of Abu Abd-Allah ibn Musa al'Khwarizmi.
A copy of some Arabic text written by al'Khwarizmi was recently found by investigators. These notes, entitled Hisab al-jabr w'al-muqabala appear to consist of a series of solutions for quadratic expressions including geometric principles for completing the square.
"It is obvious the perpetrators of this horrendous crime against freedom-loving nations had some inside information," said a spokesperson. "They obviously know a lot of stuff about our buildings and have been able to pinpoint a weakness."
Although it was a handwritten document, investigators do not regard this as surprising. "Many terrorists are resorting to written communiqués rather than faxes, email or even mobile phones which they believe could give their positions away," continued the spokesperson.
"It is unbelievable," said a CNN journalist who picked up on the story. "This document is a master plan of every building in America and possible the whole world. No one is safe!
"It is obvious these terrorists have spent years planning this despicable attack on the foundations of American freedom!"
The FBI is determined to leave no stone unturned until al'Khwarizmi is found. According to their latest intelligence reports he is from somewhere near Baghdad. They believe it possible he may have already fled America and are following reports he has been sighted near Khiva in Uzbekistan.
Now that al'Khwarizmi has been named as a possible suspect many Iraqi people are starting to flee Baghdad fearing an American attack on the Capital is eminent.
"There is not much to destroy around this part of the world anymore," said Mawiawi Moor Mohammad hastily dismantling his stall in the local market. "But it is still all we have left."
Christian Fundamentalists in America have begun calling for Arabic numerals to be banned from American schools.
"I will not rest until these heathen symbols have been removed from our children's textbooks," said Rev. Jerry Falwell. "We can no longer afford to have our young children subjected to this abomination.
"It is time to go back to our true Christian heritage and use the Roman numerals God gave us. Yes, they are a little more cumbersome to use, but through God all things are possible."
Falwell went on to give a demonstration of how it was physically possible to represent the concept of zero, even though there was no Roman numeral for it. "We do not have to see God to know he is there," he thundered.
Meanwhile, the FBI reportedly raided the offices of Microsoft where agents took the names of all registered users of the popular Microsoft Flight Simulator program. It is not known how many pirated copies are available, but a Microsoft spokesperson confirmed it could be millions.