Alexis of Evil
In a dramatic move to improve their ratings since September 11 CNN has turned to the 80s classic Dynasty.
America is looking for escape and entertainment. CNN is counting on the plot lines of Dynasty - kidnappings, babies, amnesia, pregnancy, infidelity, and treachery --- and every other soap opera trick, to get the viewers back.
While cynics dismiss the plots as weak and absurd CNN is hoping the scheming, conniving, ruthless, "superbitch," Alexis will give American talk shows a run for their money.
Right now Americans need someone to hate. Unfortunately Osama Bin Laden has vanished and until he is found the network is hoping to get a new generation of viewers hooked on Alexis Carrington.
"She is the Alexis of Evil," said a CNN spokesperson.
It is not known if Joan Collins will be available or even interested in the part, however CNN is unperturbed.
Dynasty was renowned for returning characters to life after they had been killed off. In the original series a number of characters died only to return in later episodes played by different actors.
CNN intend to screen all the original episodes, but is also working on a brand new movie length premier as well.
Not much of the plot is known at this stage, but in keeping with the tradition of the previous ridiculous plots it is believed to be both camp and absurd.
The Carringtons are gathered for a wedding (maybe a christening), in Afghanistan, just prior to the September 11 attack. They cannot get to the airport and are trapped in their hotel. After the smoke of the sustained American bombing campaign clears all the primary characters are thankfully still alive.
According to reliable sources, there will be at least one catfight between Alexis and Krystle.
Alexis Carrington meets her match in the character of a wealthy, well dressed Afghan businessman who becomes a politician. While Krystle, true to her sweet, loyal good-girl image adopts a number of orphans.
Alexis pulls some strings to ensure they are refused entry when they try to visit Australia. Krystle ends up with her adopted family in a detention centre in Nauru where she tries desperately to contact her family.
The "Alexis of Evil", full of campy opulence and shoulder pads, will ensure viewers can look forward to great trash on CNN.