Weapons of Mass Conversion

As if the shock and awe tactics of the Iraqi invasion were not enough, America is poised to launch another devastating attack on Iraq.

The bombing of Iraq and the humiliation of its people has made it a prime target for US-led evangelical missions.

Waiting patiently behind American troops, until all resistance is removed, is a host of evangelical Christians eager to convert the heathen hordes of Baghdad.

Leading the Christian charge into Iraq is the Reverend Franklin Graham, son of well known television evangelist Billy Graham.

Not only did Franklin Graham deliver the invocation at George W. Bush’s inauguration, he is also a strident critic of Islam.

The man is on record as calling Islam a “wicked, violent” religion with a different God from Christianity.

“The two are different as lightness and darkness,” according to Graham.

Graham runs a mob known as Samaritan’s Purse. Workers are based in Jordan waiting orders to deploy in Iran when they will march triumphantly into Baghdad singing a rousing chorus of “Onward Christian Soldiers”.

The group has built up a strong charitable record over the past years but there is no doubt the organisation is there to serve the church to promote the gospel of Christ.

Graham has gone out of his way to avoid controversy and is at pains to point out Samaritan’s Purse will offer help to the Iraqi people with no strings attached.

“Sometimes the best preaching we can do is being there with a cup of cold water, exhibiting Christ’s spirit of saving others,” said Graham.

Where have they been all this time and why has it taken them so long to get over here with a cup of cold water?

Under the guise of charitable deeds this covert group will be trained to convert people away from their faith.

The group is skilled in the technique known as contextualization and will never admit directly to being Christian. They will also remove chairs from churches to make them more mosque-like. It is rumoured they will grow beards and encourage their wives to adopt traditional Islamic attire.

However, Samaritan’s Purse will be facing some stiff competition from other Christian forces.

The Southern Baptist’s, a powerful Christian conservative movement is also intent on ensuring Iraqi people have the chance to be born again.

They are waiting for the dust to settle before launching a baptismal blitz into Baghdad to claim a share of the heathen souls for Jesus.

This wave of evangelical witnessing is designed to instill shock and awe — to say nothing of fear and loathing — into the hearts of any unconverted Iraqi unfortunate enough to stumble into one of their tent meetings.

The Southern Baptist’s are the second largest Christian group in America after the Catholics. Not only pro-Bush, they are also a pro-Israeli political force to be reckoned with.

Both groups insist humanitarian aid is the prime objective. However they have been planning a bible drop the likes of which has not been seen since Gideons placed a bible in every hotel room.

Demands from Christian leaders in France, Germany and Russia that they also be given an opportunity to help reclaim the lost souls of Baghdad have been ignored.

The UN insists it is the only organisation with the administrative skills to undertake the conversation task and has warned Scientologists might try to gain a foothold on an as yet undisclosed intersection in Baghdad.

It is believed Scientologists have already targeted the Iraqi information minister, Mohammed Saeed Al Sahaf. He has the type of high profile personality the group is keen to attract.

Overnight Dianetics has become the most looted book in Baghdad. It is believed it will stay at the top of the list for years.

Some SMS jokes doing the rounds in the Middle East:

An Iraqi teacher with a compass, slide-rule and calculator was arrested by American soldiers for having weapons of math instruction.

America is planning to divide Iraq into three zones. Leaded, unleaded and diesel.

Galileo: great mind
Einstein: genius mind
Newton: extraordinary mind
Bill Gates: brilliant mind
George Bush: never mind

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